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xXxsuGar_n_sPicexXx
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Name: KIM
Gender: Female
Interests: beaches, sun, surfing, jetskiing..snow, cold, snowboarding..walking&talking, sitting&staring.. watching bball, ultimate, tkd, vball, swimming, frolicking, rowing..shopping, busing, chatting, SMILING :D
Expertise: laughing till i cry...
Message: message meEmail: email me
Member Since:
4/10/2003
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| My mind is a stale bowl of multicoloured jello that's been half-eaten, partially frozen and mushed into little globs of jiggly gelatin.
My heart is Thanksgiving dinner leftovers, almost, but not as exciting nor as tasty as the day before--the fat has conglomerated into little balls on the skin, and the meat is dry and stringy.
My soul is parched--lips chapped, mouth dry, voice weak and raspy, tongue floppy.
If it sounds like jello, Thanksgiving dinner leftovers and a parched mouth don't quite sound that appetizing, well you're right--it's not. Tonight, sitting here on this bed that I don't really consider "mine," in this room that I'll only be living in for three more months, in this apartment that's rented, in this city that is foreign to me, in a country that is not my home--honestly, I feel lonely. When did I become so bad at being a friend. Everyone seems to have found their "people," those people you call your "friends." As socially inept as that may sound, honestly, I don't know if I even know if I have friends anymore. Sure, I have people that I hang out with, I have people that know quite a lot about me, they've seen me go through various emotions, we've laughed, we've talked, we've written facebook messages to each other...but I don't have friends...the kind that you can call up that one night you're just CRAVING thin mint limited edition dreyers ice cream at 3am and you know that they would immediately go with you in your PJs, searching far and wide, every Ralphs, Albertsons, Gelsons, whatever, until you find it. I don't have the kind of friends that would drive over to you one night that you're really stressed out, even if you live really far away, and they would just come over and you could just lie on the floor in comfortable silence and it would be good enough. I don't have the kind of friend that I could even just call up and cry to, call up and ask for a hug. The kind of friend where you no longer have to try anymore (by the way, since when did friendship feel like such an effort?).
After three and a bit years of living here, I still feel like a stranger. I feel like I no longer talk about my life with people because I want to share with them anymore, but because it's expected. I haven't felt the satisfaction of that exchange in so long...just conversing with someone and coming out of the conversation without feeling like I had to think of something to talk about. And honestly, the last few days, I've been wondering, is it me? Is it because there's something wrong with me? Throughout the years, everyone's found their little niche, their "go-to" crew. Now-a-days, I mostly sleep alone in my double bedroom. My roommate's bed is empty when I go to sleep and it's empty when I wake up. We occassionally ask each other about our lives, we share the sink, we share shampoo, heck, we even share toothpaste. But I know she doesn't feel at home with me. I know she's most comfortable with them.
Recently, I haven't really wanted to go to church anymore. I'm tired. I've tried to initiate for so long. I've tried to come out to as many things as I could. I've tried to show that I'm approachable. I've tried to love well. I really have. I've tried to think instead that it's not about me, but making everyone else feel like they're loved. I've tried so hard. When I did have a car, I drove everywhere I could to spend time with you guys. I made a fool of myself for you. I've cried for you. And still, after three years, on this night, where I just feel so friendless, I don't know who I could really call and not feel like I have to still think about something to talk about. Everyone has their own lives going on. Everyone has grown up together with someone. Everyone has their family here that they go home to on the weekends, or a boyfriend that they spend time with on the weekends.
It's not that I feel abandoned or rejected. It's not even that I feel alone even. I just don't know why I feel like I haven't clicked with anybody after so long. I don't need someone to drive me around. I don't need someone to listen to me blab about my life. I don't need someone delegated to me because I'm the international student away from home who doesn't have a car and needs a ride everywhere. I don't need to be "taken out." I just want a friend, a real friend. Someone who I feel comfortable around. Someone who knows me. And it makes me sad that people that do sometimes make an effort are always guys (no offense). I love my guy friends and if anything, they have been the ones to come through for me. But I want a girl friend. I want a sister. Honestly, I don't know who I would ask to be my bridesmaid. I don't even know who I would really ask to be my maids of honour.
Here, I still feel foreign. Back home, I'm gone to everyone. I left when I graduated highschool and took that plane ride here.
It's been six years since I really felt like I've had girl friends, and they weren't even Christian. I don't mean to sound bitter or resentful. I just want something real. And now, I'm left wondering after so long if maybe it's me. Because honestly, I've really tried. I've given it my heart and effort and yet I still feel like you don't know me.
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| "If I flee from greenest pastures, would You leave to look for me? Forfeit glory to come after...til I only dwell in Thee." | | |
| and all I can say right now is:
HOLY SHEMALE*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
stats midterm + 10pg essay is absolutely no fun on any day of your life.
*for lack of a better expressive noun, I picked Shemale for all you Arrested Development fans out there.
I wish I was at a fire sale shopping to The Final Countdown beside a brother with a prosthetic hook hand. Even that would be better than tonight.
Alas, I am not.
here we goo.... | | |
| So today, as I was biking home from volunteering my pants got stuck in the gears.
It wasn't just like they got stuck on a gear tooth, or caught in the chains. No, no, my pants decided that they wanted to commit pant-suicide and impale themselves between the gear and the chain undeneathe the gear guard, half way through one rotation of the gear.
Slightly frustrated, mildly embarassed but mostly flabberghasted, wondering how in the world that had happened, I pulled over to the side of the road, my leg hanging from my pedal.
I quickly thought about continuing to bike with one foot, hoping that I could generate enough force with one foot in order to sent the pedal through a full rotation but realized how ridiculously epic fail that would be.
Embarassment growing as other bikers wizzed by me, I awkwardly bent down and tried to yank my pants out. Nope. I then proceeded in attempting to pull the chain away from the gear, releasing the tension, thus saving my pants. Double nope.
Suddenly I felt two bright blue (the kind that are on nice cars, like BMWs or Audis) on me. Stopped over and violently yanking at my pants, I figured that they were just stopping at the stop sign and would soon continue on their journey to wherever. NOPE. I guess out of the goodness of their hearts and concern for their fellow Trojan, they had stopped to see if I was okay. Embarassment meter at maximum.
A girl leaned out of her window: "Are you okay??"
"Uhhh...yeah...my pants are just stuck in my bike" (Doh...how lame)
"Do you need help?"
"Ummm...well do you have a pair of scissors or something?" (What the heck Kim.)
(girl proceeeds to get out of the car and walk over to me, the half-woman-half-bike creature)
"Do you care if your pants get ruined?"
"No...I just want to get my pants out." (Realize now that kind of sounds weird)
(girl proceeds to yank really hard on my pants, they rip and are subsequently freed from the jaws of death..or..my bike)
"Thank you SO MUCH!"
"Yeah, no problem"
(girl proceeds to get into the car, and I hear uncontrollable laughter erupt)
She had forgotten to close the window and was attempting to tell her friend through bursting laughter what had just happened.
They drove away laughing, the window still wide open.
I got back on my bike and biked slowly and carefully back home.
Yay me.
Never wearing these pants again.
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| There is a young generation rising up who will stand for righteousness and justice,
speak truth with arrows of fire,
and walk in anointed authority and boldness.
Their strength will be purity
Their weapon: love
Their defense: an uncompromising spirit.
I can hear them already.
Their hearts are burning passionately in the secret place.
Their pleas already being brought before an Almighty God.
He is raising up an army.
He is raising up an army.
...And their eyes are filled with fire.
The yearning in their hearts, groaning like sleeping thunder.
He is raising up an army.
I can hear them already.
"Do not be discouraged little ones...I hear you."
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